“The reality is that you will grieve forever.
You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it.
You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered.
You will be whole again but you will never be the same.
Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.” ― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

I thought I wanted to write about my dad today, but I can’t think of anything I’d rather do less.

I just miss him.

‘how will i live my 27th year?’

the star
hope, peace of mind

standing outside on a dark night you gaze up at the stars & sense glimmers of wonder & hope. even though you can’t find concrete answers to life’s many questions up there in the sky, you can’t help but feel comforted & renewed. such is the energy of the star card. it is not about actions or situations, it’s simply about connecting to the part of you that is hopeful & serene. this force will bring light back into your life & infuse you with positivity. a lovely card.

quelle surprise

 

quelle surprise

i wish i could say that my life took a turn for the better in the last 8 months, and that was the reason that i stopped writing. that maybe i got a boyfriend, and i moved out, and suddenly my life was so full that i barely had time to sit down, let alone write.

it didn’t.

no boyfriend, still at home, and no social life to speak of. however, i did buy a new car last october, so it wasn’t all horrible. and i pierced my nose.

truth is, i’m stagnating.

Moss: We’re stagnating!
Roy: You’re making us sound like we’re some sort of old married couple.
Moss: But we are! Can’t you see? You’re my wife, Roy! You’re my wife. You’re my wife! We should be married to ladies, but we’re married to each other! You’re my wife!

here is my question-how is it only thursday?

there are 2 main things that i am currently dealing with in my otherwise stagnated life: my sister is not talking to me, and my boss is selling his business.

i’ve known about the sale for a month and a half now, and i have not put out one. single. resume. not one. and i feel like i’m going to be kicking myself for that come june 1 or july 1, or whenever this shit happens. but i just can’t move on without some closure. i’ve been told that i will be moving to this new company and working from home, but my boss is a big fucking LIAR that i’m not holding my breath. for now, i’m hoping it goes down soon so i’ll get a severance cheque.

priorities.

 

hey stephen

FIRST CRUSH

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “First Crush.”

My first crush was on a boy named Stephen. It was fifth grade when he moved into my town, and I thought that was it. He was the one.

He had bleached blonde hair, blue eyes, and an earring. He played goalie in hockey, and was the tallest boy in the class. In other words, swoon. I was not the only one in love with this boy. I’d estimate about 95% of the girls in my class were vying to be his.  I was convinced he was into me, in all of my braceface glory, until I realized that all he wanted were answers to homework. Sayonara pal.

I moved after 6th grade, and forgot about him completely until now. A quick Facebook search yields nothing.

i’m bad at weekends

saturday, 2pm

I have a hard time convincing myself to get out of bed on the weekend.

It is currently 3pm on Saturday, and I’ve just managed to pull on pants to go make myself a cup of coffee. Life would be so much easier if I lived on my own (ie. no pants).

I feel like I have a Scandal hangover. I watched the first season and 2 episodes of the second season yesterday.

I’m still nervous about blogging. I’ve searched Pinterest for help on getting started, but everything I’ve come across has been “how to make money blogging” “blog prompts for writer’s block”,  “what I wish I’d known before I started blogging”. I mean, I wouldn’t say no to advice on how to make 6 figures blogging, but this isn’t what I’m looking for. A lot of the links talk about finding your blog’s niche, ie. are you going to blog about fashion? Beauty? Something related to your career?

It’s now quarter after 4 and I’m debating deleting this altogether and starting my laundry and continuing to watch Scandal. What I desperately want is some food, but my little sister has taken my car to work and I live on a steep hill, which means that I can walk down to the store, but no way am I going to be able to walk back up.

I think I’ll hit publish and go brush my teeth instead.

here we go again

What am I doing-

When I was in 10th grade, I had a blog on Xanga that I wrote in constantly. Real embarrassing stuff, like how much I wanted a boy at work to notice me (I was 16, he was 23-yikes, Caitlin!). I kept this up (not the crush, the blog) until the end of high school, when I immediately deleted it. I’m both relieved and upset that I deleted it. Would I want to go back and relive those days?

I think that was the longest I ever maintained a blog. Or a journal. I have a tendency, like a lot of people, to hoard journals that I never write in. The most I do is track my diet updates, and once I abandon it, I rip out the pages and shred em. Wash, rinse, repeat. No need to be reminded that my ‘starting weight’ is higher and higher with every attempt. Believe me, I know.

I loved writing when I was young. I was always writing stories and keeping track of what I was doing with my days (nothing), and as I got older, my love of writing persisted, but I just stopped. I don’t know why, and I can’t pinpoint when. Maybe after I graduated from high school, when I took a gap year and worked three jobs at one time just to forget the fact that I had no idea what I was going to do with my life. My best friend had moved to NZ for 6 months, and most of my other friends had gone on to post secondary. Working 12-14 hours ensured I didn’t have time for a social life, which was fine with me.

From 2008-2012, when I was in university, I stopped reading and writing altogether. If it wasn’t for school, I wasn’t doing it. To this day, I still have a hard time convincing myself to read a book ‘for pleasure’.

These days, I work in an office in which I spend 8 hours a day writing emails and answering phone calls, and I think, sometimes, that my life has become a Dilbert comic strip. I also get a lot of joy out of those work e-cards that everyone shares on Facebook. This makes my life seem sad. I assure you, it is.

I think the goal of whine0forever  is to find joy in writing again. I don’t even necessarily need others to read it, I just want to write for myself. I went to Europe with my BFF 3 years ago and managed to write about the first 3 days on my Tumblr before abandoning that. I thought I’d never forget a moment of that month, but I did. I didn’t forget the big things, like wandering around the Roman Forum, or crying on a river cruise on the Seine. But I forgot the little things, like what I ate my first night in Florence, and the songs we danced to at a disco until 2 in the morning.

Will this help? Will I even write? Who knows. But I gotta fill my time somehow, because, in the words of Peter Gibbons:
“Yeah, I just stare at my desk; but it looks like I’m working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch, too. I’d say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.”

Can’t wait!